All The Things That I Regret
by prettydisciple
Summary: Rachel throws a party for Valentine's Day, seven months after Kurt and Blaine's break-up. Kurt's miserable as he stares at Blaine and Karofsky's loving interactions on the dance floor. That is, until Mercedes and Santana push him to say all the words he's kept locked away for months.


**A/N: Okay, so, I don't really know what to say about this one. It just kinda came to me with all the new horrible spoilers, and I couldn't resist writing it. Briefly Beta-ed, so please forgive mistakes. I know this sucks, but I figured that I should post it anyway. Hopefully, it gives you enough angst to be satisfying. See you at the end! :)**

Kurt was miserable.

Sitting at the bar, he watched the two of them. There was a heavy sense of déjà vu in his mind, but he took another swig of beer to wash it away. As he continued to stare, the happy couple was cradled in each other's arms, swaying back and forth. The beautiful harmony of Jake Puckerman and Ryder Lynn's voices singing "Unchained Melody" flowed through the room.

Blaine nuzzled David's neck, and Kurt almost vomited. He remembered that this time two years ago, he had been the one in that beautiful boy's arms. Dancing to Rachel and Finn's heart-wrenching cover of "We've Got Tonight".

He'd kept that night in his heart ever since then. The lust, the rediscovering of soulmates, the passion, the love…even Tina's attack on him at the reception. It had all been perfect.

Now, this Valentine's Day, he was watching from afar as Blaine gave his all to the man who used to torment him in high school. And that was the worst part. All he could do was _watch_. He couldn't butt in or try to change what had happened between the two of them seven months ago because it was all _his fault_.

"It was a stupid idea for you to come anyway," he mumbled to himself, glaring at the couple.

"Yes, it was," a voice agreed beside him.

Kurt's head flipped to the side, only to find that the comment had come from his best friend Mercedes. His frown turned into a slight smile at the sight of her.

"No need to remind me," he remarked with a sigh.

She just shook her head at him, ordering a beer for herself. When Kurt raised an eyebrow (she normally didn't drink alcohol very often), she cocked her head in the direction of Sam and his new girlfriend mimicking Blaine and Karofsky's actions on the dance floor.

"I'm in the same boat as you, Hummel," she explained, taking a sip of the drink.

He rested his chin in his hand. "How could we have screwed up so royally?"

At her shrug, he turned back to The-Couple-Whom-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Now, Dave was pressing gentle kisses to Blaine's shoulder. It was all Kurt could do not to gag or burst into tears.

"So, why are you here anyway?" Mercedes inquired. "Boy, you're not the type to come to a V-Day party without a hot man on your arm."

Kurt grimaced. "Rachel made me come. She wanted a fabulous event to take her mind off the tragedy of her dads' divorce." He sighed. "Which of course meant that I had to invite Blaine as well. Because," he imitated Rachel's voice, "'It isn't a party without all of our old friends, Kurt.' If you ask me, it's just a big waste of time and balloons."

Mercedes nodded. "Where is Rachel anyway?"

"Drunk and passed out in the car," he said nonchalantly. "Guess the party didn't help much."

"Well, that would explain the lack of good music. What even is this?"

Kurt gaped at her. "I love this song."

"Oh, so that's why you're sitting here sulking?" she questioned, quirking an eyebrow with a knowing smirk.

He bit his lip, eyes stinging with tears. "Well, the person I want to be dancing with is too busy with the newfound love of his life." His voice cracked at the end.

"You're the one who threw him out, Lady Hummel," snapped Santana, plopping down beside him.

Mercedes sighed, "What are you doing here, Santana?"

"Getting a drink, and hoping you two stop your whining long enough to actually have a good time."

"I can't," Kurt whispered. He couldn't "have a good time" while watching the man of his dreams dance with the man of his nightmares to one of the most romantic love songs of all time.

Santana rolled her eyes. "Kurt, it's your fault he's not with you. If you want him, go _get him_."

He had to smile at the way she made it seem so simple. At the thought that he could just go over there and plant a kiss right on Blaine's mouth and the two of them would live happily ever after. At the thought that the two of them might still have a chance at happily ever after.

"Look, I'm no counselor, but Santana's right," Mercedes advised. "You can't just sit here, Kurt. The two of you _belong together_. Do something about it."

At that moment, Jake and Ryder finished their song. As they walked off the stage, a very beautiful Emma Schuester approached the microphone. "So, who would like to sing next?"

Before anyone could say a thing, Santana shouted, "Kurt would!"

Mercedes's mouth popped open with an audible sound, while Kurt just froze. He couldn't do this, this couldn't be happening, _no, no, no…_

"Come on up, Kurt!" Emma encouraged.

Before he could even register what was happening, Santana and Mercedes were pushing him onto the stage. He was too shocked and frightened to do anything but let them.

Kurt knew what it was they wanted him to do. They wanted him to go up there and sing a song about wanting Blaine back. About how much he loved him and how they were meant for each other. But what he didn't know was _if _he could do it. What if he didn't have the courage?

_Courage._

The word that had hung up in his locker under the picture of his soulmate for two whole years. The word that was now printed into his skin with ink, a tattoo he'd gotten on the inside of his wrist. The word that burned in his mind and gave him that push he needed to face each and every day.

He could do this.

Walking over to the piano player, he whispered the name of the song in the man's ear and proceeded to the microphone. His eyes didn't even have to scan the room to find Blaine's face. It was like the two of them were drawn together by a magnet. No matter what, they always found their way back to each other. And this was the little push Blaine needed to follow the pull that still existed between them.

Kurt opened his mouth and began to sing the same song he'd listened to on repeat every day after things between him and Blaine had ended.

_Bring me back to  
Holding hands in the rain  
I swear  
I'd ease your pain_

_Lift you up so  
You can finally see  
The love you are to me_

_I've had time and  
I've had change  
Been broken, but still I can't explain  
Our July…_

Blaine stared at him with wide eyes and parted lips. It was obvious to everyone in the room who he was singing to. Except maybe Dave, who was still clinging to his boyfriend with loving touches and meaningful gazes as they twirled on the dance floor to the haunting melody. But Blaine's eyes were only on Kurt, who continued to sing.

_Why'd I have to  
Go and do you like that?  
Thought I'd moved on,  
Then you brought me right back_

_To the night you took my kiss  
Away from me  
Took yours too  
Then I lost you_

Kurt still remembered the night he and Blaine had ended things crystal clear. It was just another silly little fight that had finally made Kurt crack. He'd pulled the engagement ring off his finger with a shaking hand, thrown it on the floor, and made a beeline for the door. He didn't return for a week, preferring to spend a short vacation at home with Burt and Carole.

By the time he'd gone back to the apartment, all of Blaine's things were gone. The ring was left on his pillow, with a note that read, "_I'm sorry."_

That night, Kurt threw it off the Brooklyn Bridge.

_Would you bring me back to  
Holding hands in the rain  
I swear  
I'd ease your pain_

_Lift you up so  
You can finally see  
The love you are to me_

_I've had time and  
I've had change  
Been broken, but still I can't explain  
Our July  
In the rain_

After the break-up, Kurt didn't know what to think about love. Several dates later, he decided it was a waste of time. Love wasn't something he needed to survive. It was just a silly emotion.

Which had led to even more dates, always followed up by a one-night stand, and then kicking the man out of his apartment. Or woman. Yes, Kurt had stooped low enough to use women to satisfy his sexual needs.

He didn't know what had happened to him. Any kind of desire or lust, even when he didn't return it, was close enough to love to make him feel as if he wasn't lonely. As if he wasn't waiting for the one man he loved to come back to him.

Besides, sex gave him power over someone. And he needed that. He needed power to make himself believe that Blaine didn't have any over him.

Kurt _had _changed, yes. He was so much different from the man Blaine had known only seven short months ago. No longer who he used to be. Kurt was now just a fraction of that man. A broken boy made up of the shattered remains.

Blaine was the glue to put him back together. He was sure of that now.

_Every part of me  
Is broken now  
I tried to scream  
But nothing came out_

_Dropped my pride,  
And I revealed  
My insides  
And it all came pouring out_

He couldn't help but smirk at those lines, because that was exactly what he was doing right now. He had finally let those walls crash down to reveal all of himself to Blaine. The things he had hidden from him for over half of a year.

And all Blaine could do was stare at him from behind David's head, with a quivering bottom lip and longing in his devastatingly beautiful hazel eyes.

_Would you bring me back to  
Holding hands in the rain  
I swear  
I'd ease your pain_

_Lift you up so  
You can finally see  
The love you are to me_

_I've had time and  
I've had change  
Been broken, but still I can't explain  
Our July  
In the rain_

His hands were shaking as they gripped the microphone for these next few lines. His voice came out desperate, tears clinging onto every note.

_This melody  
Will never speak  
All the things that I regret  
If I could say anything_

_My apologies  
For the way I ended things  
See, I love you  
But it scared me_

_You scared me  
You scared me  
Would you please.._

Kurt hoped against everything that Blaine could understand that these were all the things he wanted to say, but couldn't seem to. The words that hung in his heart and mind, that haunted him every day. This was all Blaine needed to know.

And as that beautiful man gaped at him, tears in his own eyes…he couldn't help but believe that he understood.

_Bring me back to  
Holding hands in the rain  
I swear  
I'd ease your pain_

_Lift you up so  
You can finally see  
The love you are to me_

_I've had time and  
I've had change  
Been broken, but still I can't explain  
Our July, oh, woah, oh_

He finally noticed that Mercedes and Santana were behind him as they started to sing back-up for him. Their background "ooh"s and "ah"s could never compare to the desperation and love in his own grief-stricken voice, but he would never tell them that.

_Would you bring me back to  
Holding hands in the rain  
I swear  
I'd ease your pain_

_Lift you up so  
You could finally see  
The love you are to me_

_I've had time and  
I've had change  
Been broken  
But still I can't explain_

_Our July…_

And with that, he walked off the stage, Mercedes and Santana behind him.

Almost immediately, he was engulfed by his friends, cheering and clapping. They hugged him and patted him on the shoulder, but there was only one person whose touch he longed for.

And that one person came up to him, holding hands with the man whose touch had been forced upon him all those years ago.

"That was incredible, Kurt," Blaine said with a smile. David grinned at his boyfriend's dazzling smile, before turning to Kurt.

"Yeah, you killed it!" he exclaimed.

Kurt couldn't help but smile at their compliments. But all he really wanted to do was push Dave away and place his own hand in Blaine's warm, secure grip.

"Yes, well...," he trailed off, not really sure what to say with David around. "I had a lot of inspiration," he settled on.

Suddenly, it was awkward.

Santana stepped in. "Hey, Dave, how about we go have a drink? Y'know, for old time's sake?"

An expression of terror crossed the man's face before he faked a smile and said, "Sure!" Turning to Blaine, he said, "Be right back, Boo-Boo." He placed a kiss on Blaine's cheek.

"Okay, I'll see you in a second, Yogi Bear," Blaine replied.

As David and Santana walked off to the bar, along with Mercedes, Kurt looked at Blaine with a raised eyebrow.

"Really? Yogi Bear? Boo-Boo?" he questioned.

"Yes," Blaine affirmed with a polite smile.

"Those are the worst pet names ever heard of."

"Well, they're better than 'Psycho' and 'Pouty and Weird' and 'Annoying'."

Kurt blinked his eyes in shock. "Ouch."

"Yeah, well, that's what it felt like," he snapped.

Kurt couldn't help but feel guilty. He was the one who had called Blaine those names. He'd made him feel insecure and unhappy, and that's the one thing he would always hate himself for. More than anything, he wanted to apologize.

"So…I take it you didn't like the song?" he asked instead.

Blaine shook his head immediately. "No, I loved the song. I just didn't love…the meaning behind it."

Well, that hurt. Kurt could feel his heart breaking, but he decided not to back down. "What was wrong with that?"

"The fact that I've finally found someone who brings me joy," Blaine spat, "and you decide to walk back into my life and stomp all over that."

"So, I don't bring you joy?"

"No."

Kurt could feel his anger rising. "What do I bring you then?"

"Misery."

That was new. Kurt was quickly beginning to regret singing that song to Blaine. It was obvious he didn't feel the same. He'd made a fool of himself.

Instead of accepting that, he continued to push. He would push Blaine until he broke if it meant he got some answers.

"Is that why you left without saying goodbye?" Kurt asked, biting his lip.

Blaine laughed humorlessly. "You're the one that gave me back the ring."

"You're the one that let me walk out the door."

"You're the one that made the decision _to _walk out that door."

"You're the one who didn't make an effort to contact me."

"You're the one who made yourself unable to be contacted."

"You're the one I still love."

"You're the one that made that abundantly clear in front of my new boyfriend."

"You're the one. Period."

Blaine's eyes widened at that. Kurt smirked. He'd definitely won this argument.

"You'll always be the one," he further explained in a whisper, tears in his eyes.

And as he stared at Blaine, the gorgeous hazel eyes, the now untamed raven curls that hung over his forehead, the scruffy beard he had grown out, the perfect sculpt of his body…he knew that it was true.

And just as he leaned in for a kiss, that same man shoved him back.

"No. No, no, no, _no._"

"But-"

"Kurt," he interrupted. "Don't."

"Stop fighting me on this," he snapped.

Blaine sighed, bringing a hand to his face to pinch the bridge of his nose in annoyance at himself. "Kurt, I've moved on," he sighed. "You should too."

"_No._ You haven't."

"Yes, I have."

"I love you," Kurt tried, tears already silently streaming down his face. He would keep trying until Blaine realized that they were supposed to end up together. They were meant to be. And no fights were going to change that.

"I love David," Blaine insisted.

"What happened to fearlessly and forever?"

Blaine pursed his lips, looking right into Kurt's eyes. "You put fear into the equation."

And with that, he spun around on his heel, heading back to David Karofsky.

Leaving Kurt just as broken as he was before.

**A/N: So many tears right now tbh. The song Kurt sang is "Our July In The Rain" by He Is We. (Listen to the stripped version, it's much better.) I've been thinking about this, and I might want to make it into a full story, but it depends on what you guys think! Or what I have the time for, considering that school has started. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! I love you! Please review, I'd love to hear what you think!**


End file.
